Parlez vous Français?

Don't you think a DVD shop which stocks and rents out 1000s of DVDs of English film would have at least one of its three employees speak/understand English? I spent almost half an hour today trying to convey to a Swiss lady at one such DVD store that I couldn't find my membership card. I don't think she knew a single word of English.

There was this classic example of when people talk slowly pronouncing each word carefully as if saying something slowly to me in French would suddenly make it clearer me. I was probably doing the same thing, saying, "Husband..." and then I made a flying/airplane gesture meaning he was travelling and had probably accidentally taken the membership card with him. I don't think she got me.

Oh, when is that day going to come when I wake up in the morning and know, understand and speak French fluently? Not anytime soon, I'm sure. Off to my French class now. At least they understand me there.

KC, VD and other such days

It seems I got a lot of cribs and comments and bitchiness about my Karva Chauth post this Karva Chauth. Despite the fact that I wrote that post, hah, four years ago!

Sorry ladies. Still feel the same. I've just never found it an equal tradition. People might change it however they want now, with the hubby also not eating etc. but that's not what it strictly says in the custom, is it? I'm not against people who find it romantic and whatever, I just don't get the romanticism of it. I'm not against it. I just don't care much for it. There's a difference.

I had also kept a fast for my then-boyfriend, now husband N. But the jolt I got from his mother after getting married was enough to keep me off it for the rest of my life. Even otherwise, I don't think I'd have been able to keep it all these years. I can't do something that clearly instructs the woman to pray for her husband's long life when there's no such expectation from the husband. If you find this romantic, then well...

I actually have pretty strong feelings about grown-up people who celebrate Valentines Day as well. I used to always think it was for school and college kids. But when 35-40 year old people talk about going out for dinner and blah on Valentines Day, it just makes me sad. Really? You need a day named after someone you don't even know to tell your partner that you love them? What do you do every day? Or at least on weekends? So you live your whole life not telling each other that you love them, you manage jobs and kids and double mortgages, and boom! on Feb 14 you must tell your wife you love her and bring her flowers and chocolates because even if you told her you loved her every single day and forgot on this one day, you're in trouble buddy! And if you don't do these things (especially on V-day), the wife will be angry with you for the rest of the week, and then again next year put up these soulless expectations on you which you will never live up to.

She cooks for you every day (or at least makes sure you have a meal everyday). She collects your shoes when you strew them on the carpet after you come home from work. She puts out your wet towel to dry after you leave it on the bed. She gives your clothes for ironing and reminds you to pay the bills, or even pays them herself. If you only bring her flowers and chocolates and tell her you love her on that one day in the year, while conveniently forgetting it the rest of the year, then you're a moron in any case. Same goes for women, by the way.

It's like following one of those Cosmo tips...

1. Kiss your husband everyday for precisely 3 minutes even if you're not having sex. It'll make your marriage grow.

2. Wear naughty lingerie to bed even on your fat days. It'll make you feel sexy and therefore more responsive to your boyfriend's needs.

3. Exchange expensive gifts on Valentines Day, even if you don't do anything the rest of the year. It'll cement your love for each other.

There are no magazines that give tips to men on how to be sexy and caring and loving towards women. Now why is that?

I feel the same way for Mother's Day and Father's Day and Friendship Day and whatever else there is. You go on loving your parents all your life and call them ever so often and worry about their health. You always take an extra roti when she makes her yummy mutton. You ask them to move to a bigger city because there are better medical facilities there. You call them on their birthdays and anniversary and try to spend Diwali together as a family. And bang! if you don't send her a Mother's Day card, she feels no one cares.

How did people show affection and love to their parents, friends and spouses before these days were named? Was there lesser love? On the contrary. There are chances of there being lesser love now because we seem to be letting our emotions run according to some days on the calendar.

Why is it that there are no cards for quitting jobs or breaking up with people, filing divorces, or having PMS. Coz you gotta do your dirty work yourself, isn't it? Then why leave the good part to someone else?

Rant Rant

There are still women in this world, women of my generation, women who live in Delhi and have lived in the US for a couple of months. And most importantly, women whom I know, who when they get married change their names to Mrs 'Their Name' 'Husband's Name' Surname. You know, like Mrs Meena Anil Verma. Even my mother doesn't introduce herself like that! And she's 60.

This other woman I know, when I was leaving for Geneva, had this crazy idea that I would help her in setting up a jewellery export business. Agreed, out of politeness, I might have said I'll see what I can do. But then she sends me an email yesterday asking me what was best kind of Opal to buy, and what would it cost. How the fuck should I know? I never bought a single piece of jewellery in my life. Apart from the high street trinkets I love.

And what is it with all these people trying to get in touch with their spiritual side and then Facebooking about it? Someone's thinking of visiting some meditation centre and can't decide whether they should go to the one in Delhi or the one in the hills. Take to the hills, man, and just complete that picture in your head. And there's another one who claims to be learning to eat, breathe and embrace more consciously. WTF?

And yet another one who, when I met the last time, had been living in the US for about five years and was currently jobless and therefore thought it wise to join every hobby class ever imaginable. She was hanging with the Sufis, trying a bit of modelling on the side... some ballroom dancing when that got over, thrown in with the usual suspects of pottery-making and flower decoration. And this was only in the first half of her day! Woman! Just PICK one.

And while we're on it... why do you think it's OK for men to be completely topless in the swimming pool, albeit for a bit of an underwear. They wouldn't roam around in their undie otherwise. So why should my eyes get assaulted with their hairy backs and at-least-six-months-pregnant paunches?

PS: Oh, the neighbours were at it once again last night. It seems to be a monthly feature. And this time, I could tell the woman was totally faking it. I mean, no one cums in such a dramatic.. umm.. musical way, except maybe women in porn films. But then they're always faking it. It's their job to make it look good on TV.

And did I mention he lives alone, is old and fat and walks with a stick?